And you never knew ...

I'm so fed up with keeping my mouth shut and being afraid, but Facebook didn't seem like an appropriate forum for this and thus I turn to my beloved Google. My whole WHOLE entire life I have been too afraid to talk about this, but today I no longer give a fuck.

See the thing is I am suicidal. I would classify myself as severely suicidal, but I'm sure the professionals would disagree as I am not typing this from the edge of a building or the bath I'm about to drop this laptop in. I'm not doped up on a tremendous amount of pills that I've tried to end my life with and leaving a note at this moment. 'Professionals' may even label me attention seeking so they can go on their merry way to the brunch date they've been planning all week and eat guilt free.

For as far back as I can remember the first answer and the only answer to any problem or sidetrack in my life is death. Luckily for me I am exceptionally adaptable and observant so I picked up right away that this is not OK and bad things will happen to you if you continue to voice yourself about these issues. Thus for the majority of my life I have managed to not be locked away.

My freedom comes at a price, however. I am bombarded with random messages from my brain, sometimes when I am perfectly 'happy', which tell me, show me imagery, and plan many different paths to my own death. It can be as simple as "If I continue straight around this corner I will surely plummet off the cliff and die." or complex scheming that will potentially allow me to get away with a suicide while leaving my children well taken care of under a life insurance policy.

I live in the United States, unfortunately, where people are not people. People view each other with dollar signs in the place of their faces and hearts. Everyone is out to get theirs and step on anyone in their path to get there. So when I go to get some "mental health assistance" from the 'professionals' I have two options. Apply to free programs or unleash my psychotic side and end up locked away. As the single mom of two children I opted for the first.

After two weeks of intake and waiting for a response I received a voice mail today telling me that they could not help me because they have a one pro bono client cap per volunteer and they're all full at this time. The message went on to tell me that I could seek assistance from a 'sliding scale' provider.

Well listen here.

ONE: You did my intake you know that I am living on 750-800 dollars a month for three people. With a rent of 511.50 + 75.00 for my garage and an average 100 bucks for 50 percent of the utilities. That right there is 686.50. So on a good month I'm left with 113.5. Gas eats up most of this, but speaking of eat I do NOT receive any type of assistance so how the fuck do you expect me to feed my children???

TWO: I should never have to reveal to the receptionist that I am suicidal to be put on a priority list. It's an invasion of my privacy and you're not trained to handle anything. Plus I'm 100% positive that you gossip like no one's business.

THREE: FUCK YOU AMERICA! You are all a bunch of greedy ass, back stabbing, lying, scum and if there is a hell you belong there. My life is hard enough as it is. Trying to schedule three peoples lives (two of whom can not transport themselves), work, clean, cook, teach, raise, care, love, socialize, build, comply and breath eat up nearly every second and then I jumped through your bullshit hoops and you shut me down without batting an eye.

Long story short: I'm done. I'm not going to seek help again. I'm not going to kill myself tomorrow either. But you can believe that there will be a long suicide letter expressing to the world my torture and efforts to seek relief should it get that far.

Sincerely,