If you haven't seen the videos on YouTube please head over there and check them out. Click like, click dislike, leave comments or questions and subscribe.
Here is that link: http://youtu.be/_4msNpi-5VM <-- start there
Here I'm not going to ramble on about everything I've said in those videos. I want to use this space to spew my random thoughts as usual. Right now I am seriously wondering what I have done and how I am going to deal with this. What will be next? Perhaps I should think more in the future. Was I too quick to snap and react in this situation? I really just don't know what to do with these feeling of bewilderment.
On the bright side I realize that I am the one who acted and I'll have to deal with whatever the consequence.
Lesson one: Let go.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
And you never knew ...
I'm so fed up with keeping my mouth shut and being afraid, but Facebook didn't seem like an appropriate forum for this and thus I turn to my beloved Google. My whole WHOLE entire life I have been too afraid to talk about this, but today I no longer give a fuck.
See the thing is I am suicidal. I would classify myself as severely suicidal, but I'm sure the professionals would disagree as I am not typing this from the edge of a building or the bath I'm about to drop this laptop in. I'm not doped up on a tremendous amount of pills that I've tried to end my life with and leaving a note at this moment. 'Professionals' may even label me attention seeking so they can go on their merry way to the brunch date they've been planning all week and eat guilt free.
For as far back as I can remember the first answer and the only answer to any problem or sidetrack in my life is death. Luckily for me I am exceptionally adaptable and observant so I picked up right away that this is not OK and bad things will happen to you if you continue to voice yourself about these issues. Thus for the majority of my life I have managed to not be locked away.
My freedom comes at a price, however. I am bombarded with random messages from my brain, sometimes when I am perfectly 'happy', which tell me, show me imagery, and plan many different paths to my own death. It can be as simple as "If I continue straight around this corner I will surely plummet off the cliff and die." or complex scheming that will potentially allow me to get away with a suicide while leaving my children well taken care of under a life insurance policy.
I live in the United States, unfortunately, where people are not people. People view each other with dollar signs in the place of their faces and hearts. Everyone is out to get theirs and step on anyone in their path to get there. So when I go to get some "mental health assistance" from the 'professionals' I have two options. Apply to free programs or unleash my psychotic side and end up locked away. As the single mom of two children I opted for the first.
After two weeks of intake and waiting for a response I received a voice mail today telling me that they could not help me because they have a one pro bono client cap per volunteer and they're all full at this time. The message went on to tell me that I could seek assistance from a 'sliding scale' provider.
Well listen here.
ONE: You did my intake you know that I am living on 750-800 dollars a month for three people. With a rent of 511.50 + 75.00 for my garage and an average 100 bucks for 50 percent of the utilities. That right there is 686.50. So on a good month I'm left with 113.5. Gas eats up most of this, but speaking of eat I do NOT receive any type of assistance so how the fuck do you expect me to feed my children???
TWO: I should never have to reveal to the receptionist that I am suicidal to be put on a priority list. It's an invasion of my privacy and you're not trained to handle anything. Plus I'm 100% positive that you gossip like no one's business.
THREE: FUCK YOU AMERICA! You are all a bunch of greedy ass, back stabbing, lying, scum and if there is a hell you belong there. My life is hard enough as it is. Trying to schedule three peoples lives (two of whom can not transport themselves), work, clean, cook, teach, raise, care, love, socialize, build, comply and breath eat up nearly every second and then I jumped through your bullshit hoops and you shut me down without batting an eye.
Long story short: I'm done. I'm not going to seek help again. I'm not going to kill myself tomorrow either. But you can believe that there will be a long suicide letter expressing to the world my torture and efforts to seek relief should it get that far.
Sincerely,
See the thing is I am suicidal. I would classify myself as severely suicidal, but I'm sure the professionals would disagree as I am not typing this from the edge of a building or the bath I'm about to drop this laptop in. I'm not doped up on a tremendous amount of pills that I've tried to end my life with and leaving a note at this moment. 'Professionals' may even label me attention seeking so they can go on their merry way to the brunch date they've been planning all week and eat guilt free.
For as far back as I can remember the first answer and the only answer to any problem or sidetrack in my life is death. Luckily for me I am exceptionally adaptable and observant so I picked up right away that this is not OK and bad things will happen to you if you continue to voice yourself about these issues. Thus for the majority of my life I have managed to not be locked away.
My freedom comes at a price, however. I am bombarded with random messages from my brain, sometimes when I am perfectly 'happy', which tell me, show me imagery, and plan many different paths to my own death. It can be as simple as "If I continue straight around this corner I will surely plummet off the cliff and die." or complex scheming that will potentially allow me to get away with a suicide while leaving my children well taken care of under a life insurance policy.
I live in the United States, unfortunately, where people are not people. People view each other with dollar signs in the place of their faces and hearts. Everyone is out to get theirs and step on anyone in their path to get there. So when I go to get some "mental health assistance" from the 'professionals' I have two options. Apply to free programs or unleash my psychotic side and end up locked away. As the single mom of two children I opted for the first.
After two weeks of intake and waiting for a response I received a voice mail today telling me that they could not help me because they have a one pro bono client cap per volunteer and they're all full at this time. The message went on to tell me that I could seek assistance from a 'sliding scale' provider.
Well listen here.
ONE: You did my intake you know that I am living on 750-800 dollars a month for three people. With a rent of 511.50 + 75.00 for my garage and an average 100 bucks for 50 percent of the utilities. That right there is 686.50. So on a good month I'm left with 113.5. Gas eats up most of this, but speaking of eat I do NOT receive any type of assistance so how the fuck do you expect me to feed my children???
TWO: I should never have to reveal to the receptionist that I am suicidal to be put on a priority list. It's an invasion of my privacy and you're not trained to handle anything. Plus I'm 100% positive that you gossip like no one's business.
THREE: FUCK YOU AMERICA! You are all a bunch of greedy ass, back stabbing, lying, scum and if there is a hell you belong there. My life is hard enough as it is. Trying to schedule three peoples lives (two of whom can not transport themselves), work, clean, cook, teach, raise, care, love, socialize, build, comply and breath eat up nearly every second and then I jumped through your bullshit hoops and you shut me down without batting an eye.
Long story short: I'm done. I'm not going to seek help again. I'm not going to kill myself tomorrow either. But you can believe that there will be a long suicide letter expressing to the world my torture and efforts to seek relief should it get that far.
Sincerely,
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Story of my life
Girl meets boy. Boy lives far. Girl lives here. Boy + Girl talk almost daily. Girl doesn't see boy in person for five months. Girl gets text from Boy. Surprise two day visit. Boy is awesome. Boy goes home. Girl is glad to have own space back and at the same time feels lucky that boy would come all that way to see her. Girl is conflicted. Bitches be crazy.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Dear Mella:
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked just stay true to you.
Take your bruises, take your lumps.
Fall down? Then get right back up.
And when it gets too heavy put your burdens aside so you can pick the world up and drop it on their fucking heads.
'Cause all the bullshit makes you strong.
So when push comes to shove just stand up and scream fuck 'em all.
You're eyes make stars look like they're not shining.
When you smile the whole world stops and stares for a while.
'Cause you're Amazing.
Sincerely,
Don't give a fack Jaq
P.S. Keep your shoes on your feet, you don't have to walk no thousand miles. And if anyone asks you what size you wear don't forget to say "My size."
They can all get fucked just stay true to you.
Take your bruises, take your lumps.
Fall down? Then get right back up.
And when it gets too heavy put your burdens aside so you can pick the world up and drop it on their fucking heads.
'Cause all the bullshit makes you strong.
So when push comes to shove just stand up and scream fuck 'em all.
You're eyes make stars look like they're not shining.
When you smile the whole world stops and stares for a while.
'Cause you're Amazing.
Sincerely,
Don't give a fack Jaq
P.S. Keep your shoes on your feet, you don't have to walk no thousand miles. And if anyone asks you what size you wear don't forget to say "My size."
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Hateful expressions
Hello my name is Carmella. Many call me: Carmella, Carmen, Carm, Car, Mella, Mels, My Mella, Cracker snacks, Carckalack, Jackalack, Psycho Jaq, Jaq and probably a few by that bald chick.
I work very very hard at making sure that everyone around me has what they need. However it seems that no one is thinking the same way that I am.
I can start a conversation about a horrific experience I have had with a close, dear friend. Then seamlessly they have turned the subject to a similar experience of theirs that they need to talk about and I then listen.
For years I have put aside the fact that I needed to talk and they deflected to themselves. I have begun to shut my brain down. I forget things. My whole childhood is nearly gone. That conversation we had, the traumatic experience we shared, that shit just isn't there. All I have left is a feeling.
Unfortunately those feelings are more often wrong than right.
What I am trying to say is that I am getting tired. I am feeling taken fore granted, I am going to day a miserable and lonely death because no one sees what I see.
I work very very hard at making sure that everyone around me has what they need. However it seems that no one is thinking the same way that I am.
I can start a conversation about a horrific experience I have had with a close, dear friend. Then seamlessly they have turned the subject to a similar experience of theirs that they need to talk about and I then listen.
For years I have put aside the fact that I needed to talk and they deflected to themselves. I have begun to shut my brain down. I forget things. My whole childhood is nearly gone. That conversation we had, the traumatic experience we shared, that shit just isn't there. All I have left is a feeling.
Unfortunately those feelings are more often wrong than right.
What I am trying to say is that I am getting tired. I am feeling taken fore granted, I am going to day a miserable and lonely death because no one sees what I see.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Today
So today I was in an establishment with Sabers. We overhead a gentlemen as one of the owners (we just know this) if there were hiring. We then overheard her telling him that they were and how tired she was because they didn't have enough staff, etc.
20 minutes pass.
30 minutes pass.
I ask her in the same setting and with similar enthusiasm if they are hiring. She replies. "Actually we're not."
Now I'm going to not go into more details or continue to rant about my curiosity of why the story changed *cough*( because you're a bald girl ) *cough* because I don't really feel like getting all worked up and over analyzing it until my brain pops.
Instead I'm gonna have movie night with the most important men on Earth.
BLEH!
Me
20 minutes pass.
30 minutes pass.
I ask her in the same setting and with similar enthusiasm if they are hiring. She replies. "Actually we're not."
Now I'm going to not go into more details or continue to rant about my curiosity of why the story changed *cough*( because you're a bald girl ) *cough* because I don't really feel like getting all worked up and over analyzing it until my brain pops.
Instead I'm gonna have movie night with the most important men on Earth.
BLEH!
Me
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