If you haven't seen the videos on YouTube please head over there and check them out. Click like, click dislike, leave comments or questions and subscribe.
Here is that link: http://youtu.be/_4msNpi-5VM <-- start there
Here I'm not going to ramble on about everything I've said in those videos. I want to use this space to spew my random thoughts as usual. Right now I am seriously wondering what I have done and how I am going to deal with this. What will be next? Perhaps I should think more in the future. Was I too quick to snap and react in this situation? I really just don't know what to do with these feeling of bewilderment.
On the bright side I realize that I am the one who acted and I'll have to deal with whatever the consequence.
Lesson one: Let go.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
And you never knew ...
I'm so fed up with keeping my mouth shut and being afraid, but Facebook didn't seem like an appropriate forum for this and thus I turn to my beloved Google. My whole WHOLE entire life I have been too afraid to talk about this, but today I no longer give a fuck.
See the thing is I am suicidal. I would classify myself as severely suicidal, but I'm sure the professionals would disagree as I am not typing this from the edge of a building or the bath I'm about to drop this laptop in. I'm not doped up on a tremendous amount of pills that I've tried to end my life with and leaving a note at this moment. 'Professionals' may even label me attention seeking so they can go on their merry way to the brunch date they've been planning all week and eat guilt free.
For as far back as I can remember the first answer and the only answer to any problem or sidetrack in my life is death. Luckily for me I am exceptionally adaptable and observant so I picked up right away that this is not OK and bad things will happen to you if you continue to voice yourself about these issues. Thus for the majority of my life I have managed to not be locked away.
My freedom comes at a price, however. I am bombarded with random messages from my brain, sometimes when I am perfectly 'happy', which tell me, show me imagery, and plan many different paths to my own death. It can be as simple as "If I continue straight around this corner I will surely plummet off the cliff and die." or complex scheming that will potentially allow me to get away with a suicide while leaving my children well taken care of under a life insurance policy.
I live in the United States, unfortunately, where people are not people. People view each other with dollar signs in the place of their faces and hearts. Everyone is out to get theirs and step on anyone in their path to get there. So when I go to get some "mental health assistance" from the 'professionals' I have two options. Apply to free programs or unleash my psychotic side and end up locked away. As the single mom of two children I opted for the first.
After two weeks of intake and waiting for a response I received a voice mail today telling me that they could not help me because they have a one pro bono client cap per volunteer and they're all full at this time. The message went on to tell me that I could seek assistance from a 'sliding scale' provider.
Well listen here.
ONE: You did my intake you know that I am living on 750-800 dollars a month for three people. With a rent of 511.50 + 75.00 for my garage and an average 100 bucks for 50 percent of the utilities. That right there is 686.50. So on a good month I'm left with 113.5. Gas eats up most of this, but speaking of eat I do NOT receive any type of assistance so how the fuck do you expect me to feed my children???
TWO: I should never have to reveal to the receptionist that I am suicidal to be put on a priority list. It's an invasion of my privacy and you're not trained to handle anything. Plus I'm 100% positive that you gossip like no one's business.
THREE: FUCK YOU AMERICA! You are all a bunch of greedy ass, back stabbing, lying, scum and if there is a hell you belong there. My life is hard enough as it is. Trying to schedule three peoples lives (two of whom can not transport themselves), work, clean, cook, teach, raise, care, love, socialize, build, comply and breath eat up nearly every second and then I jumped through your bullshit hoops and you shut me down without batting an eye.
Long story short: I'm done. I'm not going to seek help again. I'm not going to kill myself tomorrow either. But you can believe that there will be a long suicide letter expressing to the world my torture and efforts to seek relief should it get that far.
Sincerely,
See the thing is I am suicidal. I would classify myself as severely suicidal, but I'm sure the professionals would disagree as I am not typing this from the edge of a building or the bath I'm about to drop this laptop in. I'm not doped up on a tremendous amount of pills that I've tried to end my life with and leaving a note at this moment. 'Professionals' may even label me attention seeking so they can go on their merry way to the brunch date they've been planning all week and eat guilt free.
For as far back as I can remember the first answer and the only answer to any problem or sidetrack in my life is death. Luckily for me I am exceptionally adaptable and observant so I picked up right away that this is not OK and bad things will happen to you if you continue to voice yourself about these issues. Thus for the majority of my life I have managed to not be locked away.
My freedom comes at a price, however. I am bombarded with random messages from my brain, sometimes when I am perfectly 'happy', which tell me, show me imagery, and plan many different paths to my own death. It can be as simple as "If I continue straight around this corner I will surely plummet off the cliff and die." or complex scheming that will potentially allow me to get away with a suicide while leaving my children well taken care of under a life insurance policy.
I live in the United States, unfortunately, where people are not people. People view each other with dollar signs in the place of their faces and hearts. Everyone is out to get theirs and step on anyone in their path to get there. So when I go to get some "mental health assistance" from the 'professionals' I have two options. Apply to free programs or unleash my psychotic side and end up locked away. As the single mom of two children I opted for the first.
After two weeks of intake and waiting for a response I received a voice mail today telling me that they could not help me because they have a one pro bono client cap per volunteer and they're all full at this time. The message went on to tell me that I could seek assistance from a 'sliding scale' provider.
Well listen here.
ONE: You did my intake you know that I am living on 750-800 dollars a month for three people. With a rent of 511.50 + 75.00 for my garage and an average 100 bucks for 50 percent of the utilities. That right there is 686.50. So on a good month I'm left with 113.5. Gas eats up most of this, but speaking of eat I do NOT receive any type of assistance so how the fuck do you expect me to feed my children???
TWO: I should never have to reveal to the receptionist that I am suicidal to be put on a priority list. It's an invasion of my privacy and you're not trained to handle anything. Plus I'm 100% positive that you gossip like no one's business.
THREE: FUCK YOU AMERICA! You are all a bunch of greedy ass, back stabbing, lying, scum and if there is a hell you belong there. My life is hard enough as it is. Trying to schedule three peoples lives (two of whom can not transport themselves), work, clean, cook, teach, raise, care, love, socialize, build, comply and breath eat up nearly every second and then I jumped through your bullshit hoops and you shut me down without batting an eye.
Long story short: I'm done. I'm not going to seek help again. I'm not going to kill myself tomorrow either. But you can believe that there will be a long suicide letter expressing to the world my torture and efforts to seek relief should it get that far.
Sincerely,
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Story of my life
Girl meets boy. Boy lives far. Girl lives here. Boy + Girl talk almost daily. Girl doesn't see boy in person for five months. Girl gets text from Boy. Surprise two day visit. Boy is awesome. Boy goes home. Girl is glad to have own space back and at the same time feels lucky that boy would come all that way to see her. Girl is conflicted. Bitches be crazy.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Dear Mella:
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful.
They can all get fucked just stay true to you.
Take your bruises, take your lumps.
Fall down? Then get right back up.
And when it gets too heavy put your burdens aside so you can pick the world up and drop it on their fucking heads.
'Cause all the bullshit makes you strong.
So when push comes to shove just stand up and scream fuck 'em all.
You're eyes make stars look like they're not shining.
When you smile the whole world stops and stares for a while.
'Cause you're Amazing.
Sincerely,
Don't give a fack Jaq
P.S. Keep your shoes on your feet, you don't have to walk no thousand miles. And if anyone asks you what size you wear don't forget to say "My size."
They can all get fucked just stay true to you.
Take your bruises, take your lumps.
Fall down? Then get right back up.
And when it gets too heavy put your burdens aside so you can pick the world up and drop it on their fucking heads.
'Cause all the bullshit makes you strong.
So when push comes to shove just stand up and scream fuck 'em all.
You're eyes make stars look like they're not shining.
When you smile the whole world stops and stares for a while.
'Cause you're Amazing.
Sincerely,
Don't give a fack Jaq
P.S. Keep your shoes on your feet, you don't have to walk no thousand miles. And if anyone asks you what size you wear don't forget to say "My size."
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Hateful expressions
Hello my name is Carmella. Many call me: Carmella, Carmen, Carm, Car, Mella, Mels, My Mella, Cracker snacks, Carckalack, Jackalack, Psycho Jaq, Jaq and probably a few by that bald chick.
I work very very hard at making sure that everyone around me has what they need. However it seems that no one is thinking the same way that I am.
I can start a conversation about a horrific experience I have had with a close, dear friend. Then seamlessly they have turned the subject to a similar experience of theirs that they need to talk about and I then listen.
For years I have put aside the fact that I needed to talk and they deflected to themselves. I have begun to shut my brain down. I forget things. My whole childhood is nearly gone. That conversation we had, the traumatic experience we shared, that shit just isn't there. All I have left is a feeling.
Unfortunately those feelings are more often wrong than right.
What I am trying to say is that I am getting tired. I am feeling taken fore granted, I am going to day a miserable and lonely death because no one sees what I see.
I work very very hard at making sure that everyone around me has what they need. However it seems that no one is thinking the same way that I am.
I can start a conversation about a horrific experience I have had with a close, dear friend. Then seamlessly they have turned the subject to a similar experience of theirs that they need to talk about and I then listen.
For years I have put aside the fact that I needed to talk and they deflected to themselves. I have begun to shut my brain down. I forget things. My whole childhood is nearly gone. That conversation we had, the traumatic experience we shared, that shit just isn't there. All I have left is a feeling.
Unfortunately those feelings are more often wrong than right.
What I am trying to say is that I am getting tired. I am feeling taken fore granted, I am going to day a miserable and lonely death because no one sees what I see.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Today
So today I was in an establishment with Sabers. We overhead a gentlemen as one of the owners (we just know this) if there were hiring. We then overheard her telling him that they were and how tired she was because they didn't have enough staff, etc.
20 minutes pass.
30 minutes pass.
I ask her in the same setting and with similar enthusiasm if they are hiring. She replies. "Actually we're not."
Now I'm going to not go into more details or continue to rant about my curiosity of why the story changed *cough*( because you're a bald girl ) *cough* because I don't really feel like getting all worked up and over analyzing it until my brain pops.
Instead I'm gonna have movie night with the most important men on Earth.
BLEH!
Me
20 minutes pass.
30 minutes pass.
I ask her in the same setting and with similar enthusiasm if they are hiring. She replies. "Actually we're not."
Now I'm going to not go into more details or continue to rant about my curiosity of why the story changed *cough*( because you're a bald girl ) *cough* because I don't really feel like getting all worked up and over analyzing it until my brain pops.
Instead I'm gonna have movie night with the most important men on Earth.
BLEH!
Me
Saturday, December 11, 2010
2010 Can SUCK it!!
The only nice thing about 2010 is that I got the hell out of Klamath Falls. Denver is nice and all but it's a huge pain in the ass for me to get a job as I have no support network for my kiddos here and the hours I will be working (eventually when I find employment) will force me to either leave my children alone to put themselves to bed or to get up and find they're own way to school. This is so unacceptable on so many levels and there is nothing I can do about it.
My divorce is still not finalized and we've been separated for eons. Why the fuck is it so easy to get married and so difficult to get divorced?
Currently Sunshine is M.I.A. having only said "I'll be back" at 10:30 pm last night. Hopefully he had to work a double and is already at work so that he doesn't end up fired for not showing up to his regular schedule at 1:15 pm today ... since he hasn't been back I'm guessing that's not going to happen. After all he would need a uniform.
I have a huge house to clean before our inspection. I need to start vlogging again. Such a good way to vent my frustrations, why did I ever stop?
My divorce is still not finalized and we've been separated for eons. Why the fuck is it so easy to get married and so difficult to get divorced?
Currently Sunshine is M.I.A. having only said "I'll be back" at 10:30 pm last night. Hopefully he had to work a double and is already at work so that he doesn't end up fired for not showing up to his regular schedule at 1:15 pm today ... since he hasn't been back I'm guessing that's not going to happen. After all he would need a uniform.
I have a huge house to clean before our inspection. I need to start vlogging again. Such a good way to vent my frustrations, why did I ever stop?
Friday, November 5, 2010
untitled
Do you every feel like you'll never learn the leason they teach? I do. Furthermore I'm pretty sure I'll never figure out what it is I'm supposed to be studying. I feel like I keep coming back to this earth over and over without the synapses needed to establish the pattern, moral, or meaning of it all. It's like stumbling and failing are what was meant for me and it's certainly tiring. That is all, loves
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Paying it forward
Last week on the radio I heard Psycho Shannon was paying it forward by giving away $100 dollars of her birthday money in 5 dollar bills. The next day I took my boys to lunch with a friend of theirs and the table next to us picked up our tab and left without a word. We found out when we tried to pay. So I went to the coffee shop and paid for the next persons drink.
Then I went to the gym and realized how much more I enjoy it when I make it there during a specific time of day, when it's me and the same friendly group who smile and way at each other. So I paid it forward by smiling and waving at a guy I don't see there that often. Maybe it'll give him a morale boast and he'll come more often, or enjoy it more, I don't know ... it's just an idea
Then I went to the gym and realized how much more I enjoy it when I make it there during a specific time of day, when it's me and the same friendly group who smile and way at each other. So I paid it forward by smiling and waving at a guy I don't see there that often. Maybe it'll give him a morale boast and he'll come more often, or enjoy it more, I don't know ... it's just an idea
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Child Welfare System is Bogus
I am the mother of a 11 year old boy living with Autism. He does not like school, he is brilliant, but the system doesn't fit him. He wrote this story:
"All who destroy my hard work will NEVER go to heaven. Hatred in the school comes from teachers. We work harder than people think, then teachers destroy it all. School is evil, villainous and work-bashing. Why must they do this? Do they actually hate kids? This will stop when true freedom rings ... when kids have the equal power as adults ... when the united states is REALLY united." - Cory
"Freedom is impersonated..."
His teacher sent it to the student counselor.
The student counselor called Child Welfare.
Child Welfare came and interviewed my kids at school (not notifying me).
Child Welfare came to my house and interviewed me.
I opened this shop
Come visit my store on CafePress!
"All who destroy my hard work will NEVER go to heaven. Hatred in the school comes from teachers. We work harder than people think, then teachers destroy it all. School is evil, villainous and work-bashing. Why must they do this? Do they actually hate kids? This will stop when true freedom rings ... when kids have the equal power as adults ... when the united states is REALLY united." - Cory
"Freedom is impersonated..."
His teacher sent it to the student counselor.
The student counselor called Child Welfare.
Child Welfare came and interviewed my kids at school (not notifying me).
Child Welfare came to my house and interviewed me.
I opened this shop
Come visit my store on CafePress!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
R.I.P.
My dogs were either poisened or got parvo. The older two were allegedly up to date on shots when I got them so they should have been immune. I couldn't afford the diagnostic test nor the additional 1,500 bucks they wanted up front for treatment. I had to have them put down. I'm gonna cry about this for a long time. I'd like to ask all you vets out there how you sleep at night. You went into the profession because you love animals. You wouldn't refuse a human treatment over inability to pay up front. Thanks for big dicks and refusing to set up a payment plan with me. Fuckers.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
2010 Master Cleanse Day 1
Decided to kick things off last night and had a mug of Smooth Move Tea (which they now make in Chocolate by the way) - Not my favorite as I was awakened at 4 am ... BLAH.
I think I'll go with evenings from now on.
Also my lemonade needs more cajan today (frowny face). Oh well, off to a good start anyway.
Hope all my pals are doing well too.
Kisses
Carmella
I think I'll go with evenings from now on.
Also my lemonade needs more cajan today (frowny face). Oh well, off to a good start anyway.
Hope all my pals are doing well too.
Kisses
Carmella
Monday, May 3, 2010
2010 Master Cleanse
The lemonade diet recipe detail is here:
• 2 tablespoons of freshly squeezed lemon.
• 2 tablespoons of grade B Maple Syrup.
• Add cayenne pepper according to your preference
• A glass of pure water.
That's the lemonade portion of the master cleanse that a few friends and are starting tommorrow.
Today I'm limiting my intake to live/juiced foods to sort of easy into it.
Some of us will be using 2oz. of warm spring water mixed with 2 Tbsp. of sea salt in the morning. I myself have choosen to go with smooth move tea as I just threw up the salt water last time I attempted that.
Wish me luck ... oh yeah and hears a pic of todays lunch.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Carmella Adell
Carmella Adell likes: sushi, fire, peace, hot springs, good food, friends, love, sasquatch... dislikes: hate, mayo, cops, lies, gas prices, dishes in the sink ...
February 25 at 8:59pm via Mobile Web · Comment · Like
Brenda Williamson likes this.
Carmella Adell likes: herb, plastic surgery, music, pirates, tattoos, snuggling ... dislikes: judgment, clinging ...
February 25 at 9:27pm ·
Carmella Adell likes: driving fast, sex, kung fu, smiling, palm trees, moon light ... dislikes: heartache, misfortune
February 25 at 9:54pm ·
Matt Wilson Likes: sour patch kidz, bud, hard alcoholic beverages, CARMELLA lol. Dislikes: when people bite their nails, menstration (it attracts bears...thats serious shyt ryte thar lol jk), drunk people who piss everywhere lol.
February 25 at 11:05pm ·
Laura Lynn Riedy likes: sunglasses, avocado, zombie movies, guitars, Shel Silverstein, random acts of kindness... dislikes: mullets, onions, chick flicks, narcissism.
February 26 at 12:06am ·
Carmella Adell likes: half breed chihuahuas, camping, haunted houses, Buddhas, friends responses to this, bamboo wind chimes... dislikes: the process of waking up
February 26 at 7:18am ·
Marissa Tuttle likes: that carmella is sharing her likes and dislikes :D the more a read the more i see whe have in common
February 26 at 8:55am ·
Carmella Adell likes: Alice in wonderland, warmth, yo mama jokes, heavy silverware, Lost ... dislikes: star-crossed love
February 26 at 10:43am ·
Carmella Adell likes: waterfalls, compost piles, PDX, SLO, español, PBR ... dislikes: Journey
February 26 at 11:19am ·
Carmella Adell likes: seaweed body wraps, meditation, earth, OMSI ... dislikes: heat exhaustion
February 26 at 12:28pm ·
Carmella Adell likes: music, truth, video games, the number 4... dislikes: prejudice, driving across town to pick up the nenes
February 26 at 1:57pm ·
Carmella Adell likes: beer you can chew, henna, fish, magic 8 balls, home brews, goats ... dislikes: people who tell me what to do with my kids, drama ....
February 26 at 4:15pm ·
Carmella Adell likes: black licorice, intrawebs, chewing gum, long dives, lullabys, voodoo... dislikes: putting her foot in her mouth
February 26 at 4:30pm ·
Carmella Adell likes: hands on teaching the nenes to tag, silence, honesty... dislikes: grinding my teeth, biting my tongue
February 26 at 8:00pm ·
Carmella Adell likes: sunny days, photos, glass ... dislikes: being fat
February 27 at 7:08am ·
Carmella Adell likes: reading the arrests in the paper, having a job, scented candles, freshies, my comfort blanket ... dislikes: having to walk circles around the house several times before I can make it out the door.
February 27 at 1:22pm ·
Carmella Adell likes: being employed, puppies that can use the dog door (finally), kids go fetch beers, playing rock band with my boys, convincing people I am 38 ... dislikes: clutter
Carmella Adell likes: palm trees, lions, people who intraweb stalk me ... dislikes: feeling
February 25 at 8:59pm via Mobile Web · Comment · Like
Brenda Williamson likes this.
Carmella Adell likes: herb, plastic surgery, music, pirates, tattoos, snuggling ... dislikes: judgment, clinging ...
February 25 at 9:27pm ·
Carmella Adell likes: driving fast, sex, kung fu, smiling, palm trees, moon light ... dislikes: heartache, misfortune
February 25 at 9:54pm ·
Matt Wilson Likes: sour patch kidz, bud, hard alcoholic beverages, CARMELLA lol. Dislikes: when people bite their nails, menstration (it attracts bears...thats serious shyt ryte thar lol jk), drunk people who piss everywhere lol.
February 25 at 11:05pm ·
Laura Lynn Riedy likes: sunglasses, avocado, zombie movies, guitars, Shel Silverstein, random acts of kindness... dislikes: mullets, onions, chick flicks, narcissism.
February 26 at 12:06am ·
Carmella Adell likes: half breed chihuahuas, camping, haunted houses, Buddhas, friends responses to this, bamboo wind chimes... dislikes: the process of waking up
February 26 at 7:18am ·
Marissa Tuttle likes: that carmella is sharing her likes and dislikes :D the more a read the more i see whe have in common
February 26 at 8:55am ·
Carmella Adell likes: Alice in wonderland, warmth, yo mama jokes, heavy silverware, Lost ... dislikes: star-crossed love
February 26 at 10:43am ·
Carmella Adell likes: waterfalls, compost piles, PDX, SLO, español, PBR ... dislikes: Journey
February 26 at 11:19am ·
Carmella Adell likes: seaweed body wraps, meditation, earth, OMSI ... dislikes: heat exhaustion
February 26 at 12:28pm ·
Carmella Adell likes: music, truth, video games, the number 4... dislikes: prejudice, driving across town to pick up the nenes
February 26 at 1:57pm ·
Carmella Adell likes: beer you can chew, henna, fish, magic 8 balls, home brews, goats ... dislikes: people who tell me what to do with my kids, drama ....
February 26 at 4:15pm ·
Carmella Adell likes: black licorice, intrawebs, chewing gum, long dives, lullabys, voodoo... dislikes: putting her foot in her mouth
February 26 at 4:30pm ·
Carmella Adell likes: hands on teaching the nenes to tag, silence, honesty... dislikes: grinding my teeth, biting my tongue
February 26 at 8:00pm ·
Carmella Adell likes: sunny days, photos, glass ... dislikes: being fat
February 27 at 7:08am ·
Carmella Adell likes: reading the arrests in the paper, having a job, scented candles, freshies, my comfort blanket ... dislikes: having to walk circles around the house several times before I can make it out the door.
February 27 at 1:22pm ·
Carmella Adell likes: being employed, puppies that can use the dog door (finally), kids go fetch beers, playing rock band with my boys, convincing people I am 38 ... dislikes: clutter
Carmella Adell likes: palm trees, lions, people who intraweb stalk me ... dislikes: feeling
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Psycho Dreams
So last night I was dreaming that I was approaching a mall somewheres and I saw Ali and her husband sitting on a bench outside it. Ali yelled to me but she hollered the wrong name and I stopped several feet away and pretended to not hear her. I was waiting for her to realize that she'd called out the wrong name when I looked up and saw Leon heading out of the mall. He was walking right towards me. We stared at each other and I suddenly slow motion fell backward. He passed me as I lay on the ground staring up. Neither of us said a word.
The next day in my dream I read the paper to find that Leon and Leigh had been killed in a car accident during a snow storm. I was said and worried about their baby. I wished I had said something.
What a trip.
The next day in my dream I read the paper to find that Leon and Leigh had been killed in a car accident during a snow storm. I was said and worried about their baby. I wished I had said something.
What a trip.
Friday, February 12, 2010
let the betting begin!
I have done this once before, sworn off men for 12 months, & it's time to do it again. I made it 9 months the last time. I am just not mentally prepared for the baggage that comes with relationships so here I go again. feel free to take a stab at how long I can make it...
Saturday, January 2, 2010
It's the small things
I have a habit of feeling like a rescuer and when I happen to be in the right place at the right time with the right thing to say it warms my heart and I remember why I stay here on Earth.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
What the hell
Allegedly I am a mom. Apparently I suck at this occupation. Why? Well I just came back from the schools 'family thanksgiving lunch thingy' (which sucked btw). While I was sitting with my nenes attempting to get to know they're friends and not embarrass them I noticed that someone was going around tables taking photos. I decided to be cool with that. That's when I realized that for who knows how fricking long my skull and cross bone thong has been peeking out of my pants. FUCK!
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